For
the past almost two years my little family of three has been trying
to become
a family of four. In July of 2013 we were excited to find out we were
going to be having another baby. Jeff and I had names picked out (because
I'm a freak like that), Elliott was already talking to my belly to
his future
brother or sister and we were all happy with excited anticipation.
Nine
weeks into that pregnancy I miscarried.
As
I sat in the emergency room waiting to hear if our beloved baby was
still growing,
I was filled with panic and anxiety over the five sessions coming up
that I needed to contact and cancel. My worries over those sessions grew
to bitterness over them. I had no idea at that time how much that bitterness
would grow in my heart.
I
had no time for life to happen.
I
took a week off and felt that working would help eliminate the
sadness and
pain my heart felt. So I jammed my schedule tight with everything and
anything. I just "needed to get over it," is what I kept
telling myself. But
my heart grew more and more bitter.
The passion and excitement I had before with the anticipation of my sessions was dying in me along with my beloved baby.
There
was a silent death that was quickly overwhelming my soul.
Everywhere
I went I was bombarded with pregnant bellies. My first 3 appointments
while I was miscarrying were maternity appointments. Appointments
that were suppose to be filled with bright growing life instead
were filled with feelings of death in me. I fought back the tears during
those sessions and "needed to get over it." After all
"people have miscarriages
all the time," as people would casually say.
Miscarriages
may be commonplace in life, but that doesn't lessen the heartache
that occurs. Before mine I looked at the word "miscarriage"
as just
a word. I didn't fully comprehend the severity of it. To one day go from
elation and planning a future that included another baby to the next watching your
body go into turmoil. Literal turmoil.
“Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind Him and touched the edge of His cloak. She said to herself, 'If I only touch His cloak, I will be healed.' Jesus turned and saw her. 'Take heart, daughter,' He said, 'your faith has healed you.' And the woman was healed at that moment.” Matthew 9:20-22 NIV
This woman in Matthew pushed desperately through a crowd of people desperate to just touch any part of Jesus. As I read these verses in Matthew I imagined Jesus taking this woman's face in His hands and giving her the healing peace she so desperately needed for so long.
That was me. I was lost in a world of sadness, hurt, confusion, bitterness and anger. I was desperate to feel Jesus' hands on my face to comfort and heal me.
As I was driving one day and praying, the Lord reminded me of the day that Elliott was released from the NICU. The memory of when they unplugged all the wires, flooded my mind. We twirled around the NICU because we could now that he was free of cords. A beautiful memory that I had not forgotten, but needed to remind myself. Then I felt the Lord whisper in my ear so softly and lovingly, “Be Still.”
I had touched Jesus. I felt as though He was holding my face and reminding me of His love.
Slowly with the encouragement of family and friends I am healing and being OK where I am right now.
My role as a wife and mommy is more important to me right now more than ever before. I look at my darling Elliott's face and I think, “Gosh I am the most blessed woman in the world to be this boy's mommy!”
In the past six months I have been fighting back and forth with myself and the desire to put my photography business on hold. I have spent many hours praying and seeking God for the right direction. In January I told God to take my photography business away. I wanted to be healthy for my family to be able to grow. He in return blessed me with amazing opportunities like the most amazing workshop with Joy Prouty in Washington.
At this workshop I got to have some alone time, and also got the opportunity to sit in a room with eight other women talking about life and photography. As I sat there listening to Joy's story of life and business I started falling in love with photography again. God was reminding me that there is beauty and life in this business that He gave me.
For so long I wanted to serve others in my photography and charge very little so that everyone could get the opportunity to have beautiful portraits of their families. That in return led to an incredibly large amount of work that left me feeling like I was drowning.
It's time I take a step back for a few months and continue to evaluate my business and what direction I'd like it go. Come May I will not be booking any sessions except weddings. I am working with talented, creative people to revamp my logo, website and finally have a fun blog where I am proud to display my work! I need to take this time to love on my family and be the best wife, mommy, daughter, sister and friend I can be. In return I know I'll come back with more passion and love for my photography and be able to give more of my heart and art to my clients.
Thank you for taking the time to read this message from my heart. Please keep in contact and don't be a stranger. I'm not completely hiding away in a hole. I mostly stay active on my instagram account @dianeloveless_photo ;) I am excited for this time in my life and hope you'll join with me again when I make my return back!
“Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul.” Psalm 143:8
Photos by Johnny Jaquez Photography
